I just watched the ball drop and kissed the hubby. I know that it is just another day, but I feel relieved that 2012 is finally over! This time last year I was recovering after my post miscarriage surgery. At the time I thought the worst was behind me, boy was I wrong.
2012 brought with it massive grieving and heartache. Not only did we loose our son, but I then watched helplessly as friends delivered their twin sons at 20 weeks, and another pair of friends loose their 4 day old daughter. Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse a college friend died by suicide, and too many friends suffered miscarriages. Not to mention the heartbreaking stories I hear coming out of the DR Congo.
I started the year last year praying that God would "break my heart for what breaks yours." Be careful what you ask for! Never did I imagine that I would have the experiences that I had or grown in the ways that I have grown-mostly in compassion for other grieving moms. If I had the choice I would have picked to NOT grow in those ways, but God had other plans. I must remember that His ways are not my ways, His thoughts are higher than my thoughts, and He has plans not to hurt me but to give me hope and a future! Those things are hard to believe in the midst of heartbreak-- and I have truly physically felt my heart break lately.
As I start 2013...like it or not, my prayer is the similar: "break my heart until it moves my hands and feet." This is the year of doing...of going...I know that as I travel to the DRC (hopefully this year!) to bring home our child(ren) that the things I see there will break my heart. The only thing I can say is bring it on! Living in this world is not an easy thing to do, especially for those less fortunate than us. I just hope I can bring some comfort to those precious Congo babies I see on my computer screen.
If all goes well we will actually have some activity on the adoption front. Sometime in January we will be starting our home study!
Here a poem that Adam gave me for Christmas along with a star named after Isaiah David. I do not know the author, sorry!
Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama please don't cry-'Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and He sings me lullabies.
Please, try not to question God, don't think he is unkind, don't think he sent me to you, and then he changed his mind.
You see, I am a special child, and I'm needed up above, I;m the special gift you gave Him, the product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, and watch the sky at night, find the brightest star that's gleaming, that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost, that mists your window pane, that's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a little breeze, from a gentle wind that blows, that's me, I'll be there planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a little tug, that's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So Daddy, please don't look so sad, Mama don't you cry, I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Lastly, another angel mamma told me "We can't pick and choose what comes from God and what doesn't. No matter if we think it was 'good' or 'bad' God gave us the experience for a reason."
Rest in Peace Isaiah, Josie, Charlie, Nate, Lillian, Ryan, Francis, Aniahya, & all of the other babies gone too soon.