One year ago today we conceived our son Isaiah. We decided since the time wasn't right to adopt that we would have another biological child. We were overjoyed when we conceived on the first try! We did not know at the time that we would never meet him.
The week before Christmas 2011 I started spotting and was put on progesterone. I remember pleading with God to let him stay with us, and pleading with Isaiah not to leave. We found out on December 29th that his heart had stopped beating. I was and still am utterly heartbroken. I miss him so much. I didn't think that these things happened to people like me. I didn't understand why God would allow that to happen. I asked God for a name and he laid on my heart "Isaiah David" meaning "God is salvation, beloved."
I woke up on New Years Eve after surgery with such amazing peace. I had dreamed that my Aunt was holding him and taking care of him. She had wanted more children but wasn't able to have more while she was here on Earth. As time went on my peace and understanding turned to hurt and anger as I watched many of my friends miscarry, one set of good friends loose their newborn baby, and another friend die by suicide.
I struggled to find the meaning in all of this. I believed that God wanted what was best for me and my family. How could this possibly be part of his plan? Then I had a realization...I know that this may offend some people and I by no means am trying to do that, this is what God has laid on my heart for my situation...."How can I parent an orphan without experiencing the loss of a child?" Certainly you can parent an orphan without knowing the loss of a child, but I know that somehow, someday, God will use this experience to help us be the best parents we can be for the adopted children he has chosen for us.
This past year has been a huge lesson in wanting and accepting Gods will for you life even when it is not what you desire for your life. I know that I will meet Isaiah one day and what a joyous day that will be! Until then we can use that loss to teach our adopted children that they will see their biological families again one day. I pray that will give them comfort.
I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. -Matthew 18:18